Cycles of Sadness

Struggling here a little bit.  This is our longest deployment and I am learning new things.  The Lord can really use a time like this to stretch and grow his children.  With my hubby gone I really have no one to count on, except the Lord.  It makes me realize how much I depend on my hubby and how often I bypass the Lord and trust in my hubby instead.  I am forced now more that ever to trust God and to pray.  That is a good thing.  Though the situations that draw us to our knees are not always comfortable.

I have also noticed something about longer deployments.  There are cycles.  I don’t know if this is true for everyone but it is proving to be so around here.  We will be doing just fine and then wham!  We are hit with another wave of sadness, loneliness, grieving, and heavy concern.  The children will be extra cranky and teary eyed.  I will anxious, easily frustrated, feel a deep sense of loneliness and sadness.  I just want to crawl into bed and stay there.  Thankfully, my life does not afford me that much freedom and I am forced to go on.

I am not like this all the time.  In fact, I am not like this most of the time.  It only lasts for a few days to a week and then I am okay and doing rather well.  Thankfully, the children and I are on different cycles too.  So, I am able to comfort them when I am in a good frame of mind.  These cycles tend to come about every 4-6 weeks.

Why is it that no one told me about this?  That I should expect it?  Maybe it is something that is just unique to us but somehow I cannot imagine that to be the case.

Maybe things differ with the amount of support one receives.  I do have a great church family and a few good friends who check in on me.  I often wonder how families with no support and without the Lord handle things.  I think of way back before technology.  How did the families of WWII handle the lack of communication?!  What I endure cannot even compare to that!  I get to be in contact with my hubby a few times a week.

Now before you start thinking I am having a pity party, I AM NOT!  I am not looking to make my situation seem worst than anyone else, though there are circumstances that are unique to my hubby’s position that do have added concerns.  I am not saying poor me, we DID sign up for this.  Serving our country is an honor!

I am simply saying that sometimes this whole, “Hubby is in the war zone” thing is hard!

I am so very thankful for those who are supportive and caring.  I do however get really tired of the “Suck it up and get over it” attitude that is given off by many, many, many a person though. Sadly, that attitude is given off by those who you would think would be the most supportive.

That is all.  There is my struggle and there is my rant.

I pray that today is a better day than yesterday and that the Lord will guide me and give me wisdom in ministering to my children today.  I am thankful that the Lord is a father to the fatherless.  May my children see that during this time of separation and may I be able to help them to see that.  I pray that the Lord continues to work mightily through the ministry of my hubby in Afghanistan and that He would be his shield and protection.

All Boxed In

Just in case you might be wondering, I thought I would share my hubby’s living situation with you.  Here are some shots of his living quarters in Afghanistan.  Have you ever felt boxed in?  Probably not quite like this…… there is nothing like living in a plywood crate!

The building he is in.

The long hall to his room.

One side of his room.

The other side and his bed.

***I cannot share many photos of where hubby is for security reasons but I received the okay to share these.   ***

Flying Away

Hubby finished his predeployment training and has been living in a hotel room for the last week to ten days.  He has been gone for three weeks already.  He was supposed to leave the country and head for his deployment site this past Wednesday but due to an uprising in one of the countries he was to be traveling through flying out was postponed.

He has gone back and forth from the airport to the hotel and back for the last several days awaiting his flight out of the country.  Yesterday, he was able to at least spend part of his day at an art museum and someone at the restaurant gave him a gift card thanking him for his service.  It is such an encouraging thing to meet other Americans who appreciate the sacrifice.

I had been a bit frustrated that he wasn’t on his way yet.  Because it is just added days to our separation.  His deployment time doesn’t start until he is actually in place.  I would like him to be back in time for the birth of our baby and I tend to go early.  This added time is not what we desire or need.  I am though very thankful that they are keeping him safe and rerouting his travel.

He called me last night saying that things were finally being worked out and that he would indeed be flying out.  He informed me of the new route.  I had a message from him this morning via email letting me know he had made the second stop along the way.

So, I am glad that he is on the move.  I have been anxiously awaiting to get on with it so he can come home.  So, when he told me he was actually flying out that night, I was a bit surprised at the huge, deep sinking feeling in my gut!  My anxiety level rose and a lump developed in my throat.  I was NOT prepared for that physical reaction and I do not like being caught off guard.  And after all, it was what I wanted and had been preparing for for the last several days but often the reality is not what we anticipate.

I am keenly aware of the fact that I am dealing with pregnancy hormones as well.  Lord, help me to keep things in check even amidst runaway hormone levels!

I do think though that I am just finally having to deal with the danger level he is about to face and it frightens and saddens me a bit. It is concerning to me that he cannot carry a weapon.  That is one element most do not have to consider.  I am so very thankful though that the Lord God Almighty is his shield.  I pray each and every day for his protection.  I pray for the Lord to calm fears and anxieties all around.  I trust him.  I am still concerned but concern can be a good thing, it compels us closer to the one and only who is sovereign over all!   That I have such a great God to cling to brings abundant comfort.

I Just Need An Appointment

Why on earth people want socialized health care is beyond me!  That is basically what we have in the military.  It is a job benefit for those who are serving their country in the armed forces. I am thankful for the benefit but totally frustrated and I would never want to place someone in this system and I definitely would not want to pay for anyone and everyone to have that type of coverage.

Let me share with you a bit of my morning dealing with the socialized medicine system.   My daughter has been sick for the last two days.  Low grade fever, cough, stuffy nose.  This morning she awoke wheezing, having a little difficulty breathing, stomach protruding and retracting a small amount, and pain under her ribcage due to the strained breathing.  We have dealt with the many a time since she was little.  She is not super sick yet.  She usually tends to get worse though rather than better and I wanted to catch things earlier rather than later and not have to spend a day in the ER by waiting for it to get worse.

So a responsible parent would take their child to the doctor.  I pick up the phone and call the appointment line.  Yes, not a receptionist at a doctors office.  An automated press one for family health, press two for peds, and so on……

After about a 15 minute wait I am able to speak with the appointment maker.  I answer about 3-4 verifying questions: social security number, address, phone, child’s birthdate…..Then they want to know why she needs to be seen.  So I go through all of her symptoms.  I am told I need to speak to the triage nurse and am place on hold and transferred.  At least there is good patriotic music to listen to.

The phone is answered.  It is the triage nurse manager.  He is to set up a file to pass on to the triage nurse.  So I go through all the verifying information again and all of her symptoms again.  I am placed on hold and transferred once again.

Triage nurse picks up.  Let’s verify your information again.  Now what seems to be the problem?  Again I go through all the symptoms.  She asks a few a question, then a few more.  She tells me to just go to the ER!  I said, “She is not nearly THAT sick!  I simply need an appointment BEFORE she gets to be that sick.”  The nurse cops a big attitude with me and proceeds to tell me what I said previously.  She obviously misunderstood something I said.  I graciously told her “apparently I miss understood” trying to calm her a bit.  So we then went back and forth over the definition of “severe”.  How she said I told her my child was in severe pain when I did not!   Finally, after about 15-20 minutes with this nurse she tells me that my daughter does need to be seen and in the next 24 hours. She transfers me back to the original appointment line.  Great patriotic music……..

Pick up….”Yes, I just spoke with the triage nurse and she said my daughter needs an appointment.” I am thinking to myself…I just told you that 45 minutes ago but what do I know, I am only the parent who lives with her 24/7.

Oh, wait…verifying information, symptoms again, did the nurse give you a time frame she needs to be seen in? I say yes, 24 hours.  The lady then proceeds to tell me that they have no appointments available and that she will need to transfer me to the nurse!  I tell her I just spent 20 minutes speaking with a nurse!  I am then informed that she was only the triage nurse and that I had to speak with a nurse in the clinic.  I asked her if she would just give me a referral to go to an off base walk in clinic like they had done in the past.  I am informed they are no longer authorized to refer us out and that I will need to wait for the floor nurse to call me back.

I asked her when they are going to get back to me.  The nurse has up to three duty days to call me back.  Now it is Thursday which means that three duty days is actually five days because of the weekend.  I told her to hold on and wait a minute.  I was just told by a nurse that my daughter needed to be seen within the next 24 hours but you have up to three (actually five) days to get back to me so I can have an appointment!!!   She says yes that is correct but that she would “put a note” on our file to try and expedite things!  If your child gets worse before they contact you, just go to the ER!

Well, after about an hour on the phone I simply say, “Thank you very much for nothing.”

Depending on when and IF they get back to me to make actually give us an appointment, we may end up in the ER anyway.  Which of course is much more $$$ placed on the taxpayer than just letting me have an appointment!

For all who think socialized health care is the way to go……I sure hope you are not disappointed when you can’t get an appointment!!!  Oh, and just a side note….from an appointment I had months ago, you have to get approval for a second opinion too!  I hope you like jumping through hoops.

UPDATED: The clinic nurse DID call! I am amazed, I have had times when calls were not returned.  She said my daughter obviously needed an appointment but they were filled up all the way through tomorrow too.  I asked if I could just take her to an urgent care clinic and she said she doesn’t know why they didn’t just send me there already.  I told her they said they were not authorized to do so and I had to wait for her to call me.  She said, “WHAT, are you kidding me?”  Ummmm…NO!  I told her I was tired of the run around and wanted my daughter seen!  She was so nice and is currently working on a referral for me!  Just another example of how the bureaucracy  gets in the way and when you get to the actual nurse in the doctor’s office patients get treatment!

Thank you Lord that my daughter will get the care she needs before becoming deathly ill and needing to be hospitalized!!

UPDATED: Well, she has walking pneumonia and is on antibiotics and regular breathing treatments.  Thankfully, she was able to be treated today or we really would have ended up in the hospital in a few days! Thank you Lord!

Prayer Filled Stars

Several months ago as I began to anticipate and prepare for this deployment, I began to pray for a meaningful way to count the days away.   On our first deployment we put up a paper chain.  One link for each day and took one off each evening.  That was a visible way to do things and one that the younger children can easily understand.  The chain worked pretty well but was draped all over the house and sometimes was too much of a reminder.  It was however easy to adjust the number of rings in case the dates changed.  It didn’t serve much of a purpose other than counting down though and I wanted something more substantial.

I had someone tell me that what they did was get a large jar and put enough Hershey’s Kisses in them for each child to have one each day.  When the jar was empty, dad should be home.  It was also easy to adjust the number if days changed.  I have so many people in our household that I would need to buy stock in Hershey’s to make it worth while!  That would be A LOT of chocolate (even for me).  A kiss for daddy has a little more meaning than just paper chains I suppose but it isn’t what I was longing for.

I continued to prayer that the Lord would show me what to do.  I am not the most creative person in the world and nothing was coming to mind!

Then one night the Lord woke me from a sound sleep and this idea was running through my mind.  For several minutes I willed myself to not forget in the morning.  Sadly, I often do forget things by morning.  I did remember but forgot to mention to hubby and eventually over the following days the thought vanished from my mind.  I knew I had forgotten something great and prayed that I would remember.  The Lord woke me a few more times from sleep in the following weeks and reminded me of the same idea.

I mentioned this to my hubby and he thought it was a wonderful idea too.   So we went with it.  Let me explain how we are counting away the days.

One thing I would like to mention is that one of the ways daddy will be greatly missed around here is at bedtime.  Bedtime is daddy’s job.  He prays with each child before bed.  That is just daddy’s job.

What we have done is purchased enough die cut stars for each day that daddy will be gone.  They will be easy to adjust if the dates change a bit.  They do not take up too much room and are neatly stuck on the wall in the corner of the hallway.  They are visible but not “in your face” for a too constant reminder.  We will take one down each night before bedtime for our countdown.  Here is the blessing part.  Since daddy is the one who prayers with the children at bedtime and that will be sorely missed, we have written a prayer on the back of each one.  Daddy wrote some before he left and I wrote some.  They are prayers for him, for us, for leaders, for giving thanks, for the cars to not break down, and just about anything we could think of that we would need prayer for during this separation.  There is meaning and substance now included rather than just counting the days away.  It helps to fill a void that is there because daddy is gone.  The Lord is so good to show us this.

So here is a photo of our hallway corner with approximately 200 prayer filled stars.

A No Fun Surprise

Yesterday was a bit of a roller coaster around here.  It was one of our daughter’s birthday and we celebrated.  Amidst that celebration was an underlying layer of stress.  My hubby was set to deploy in about 12 days,  He went to work to get things finalized and to make a looooooong drawn out story short, things were very messed up!

When the mistake was realized, there was much hustle and bustle to get things fixed.  Hubby called home and explained the whole situation.  To be perfectly honest, I was a bit angry.  Hubby had been asking about his training for over a month and they continued to say it was correct.  Come to find out, they had him scheduled for the wrong training and he needs to go where he originally thought after all.  So, his training is where it needs to be now.  In order to get there in time though, he is leaving this Sunday!  Nothing like 3 days notice but I guess it is better than the 2 days notice we had the last time he deployed! *sigh*

What frustrates me is that our airmen do a better job if they are not concerned so much about their families being okay.  The kind of stress this last minute thing can do to a family does not always leave the men confident.  The children need some time to digest the changes (Mom does too).  Yes, they knew it was coming but they were not prepared for THIS weekend.

We waited until this morning to break the news to the littles, we didn’t want to put a damper on the birthday girl and her celebration.  The older ones knew yesterday.  Emotions with the olders and myself have calmed a bit.  I do not do so well with surprises (especially unpleasant ones), I like things orderly and scheduled.  *grin*  The younger ones appear to be okay.  Sunday though will be hard as we say goodbye.  Goodbyes are never fun but at the airport with every one is a bit harder.  Then we will head to church.  It is hard to think that hubby and I will not be able to worship together one last time before he goes.

I would ask that you pray for my children as their father is away, pray for my hubby’s travel and for his safety during this deployment, pray for his ministry on the front lines in Afghanistan, and pray for me to lean upon the Lord all the more.

My verse for the day is: 1 Peter 5:7 casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.