Struggling here a little bit.  This is our longest deployment and I am learning new things.  The Lord can really use a time like this to stretch and grow his children.  With my hubby gone I really have no one to count on, except the Lord.  It makes me realize how much I depend on my hubby and how often I bypass the Lord and trust in my hubby instead.  I am forced now more that ever to trust God and to pray.  That is a good thing.  Though the situations that draw us to our knees are not always comfortable.

I have also noticed something about longer deployments.  There are cycles.  I don’t know if this is true for everyone but it is proving to be so around here.  We will be doing just fine and then wham!  We are hit with another wave of sadness, loneliness, grieving, and heavy concern.  The children will be extra cranky and teary eyed.  I will anxious, easily frustrated, feel a deep sense of loneliness and sadness.  I just want to crawl into bed and stay there.  Thankfully, my life does not afford me that much freedom and I am forced to go on.

I am not like this all the time.  In fact, I am not like this most of the time.  It only lasts for a few days to a week and then I am okay and doing rather well.  Thankfully, the children and I are on different cycles too.  So, I am able to comfort them when I am in a good frame of mind.  These cycles tend to come about every 4-6 weeks.

Why is it that no one told me about this?  That I should expect it?  Maybe it is something that is just unique to us but somehow I cannot imagine that to be the case.

Maybe things differ with the amount of support one receives.  I do have a great church family and a few good friends who check in on me.  I often wonder how families with no support and without the Lord handle things.  I think of way back before technology.  How did the families of WWII handle the lack of communication?!  What I endure cannot even compare to that!  I get to be in contact with my hubby a few times a week.

Now before you start thinking I am having a pity party, I AM NOT!  I am not looking to make my situation seem worst than anyone else, though there are circumstances that are unique to my hubby’s position that do have added concerns.  I am not saying poor me, we DID sign up for this.  Serving our country is an honor!

I am simply saying that sometimes this whole, “Hubby is in the war zone” thing is hard!

I am so very thankful for those who are supportive and caring.  I do however get really tired of the “Suck it up and get over it” attitude that is given off by many, many, many a person though. Sadly, that attitude is given off by those who you would think would be the most supportive.

That is all.  There is my struggle and there is my rant.

I pray that today is a better day than yesterday and that the Lord will guide me and give me wisdom in ministering to my children today.  I am thankful that the Lord is a father to the fatherless.  May my children see that during this time of separation and may I be able to help them to see that.  I pray that the Lord continues to work mightily through the ministry of my hubby in Afghanistan and that He would be his shield and protection.

Those of us who are true believers in Christ who pursue holiness and godliness we will at one time or another suffer persecution for our faith.   The ways of God are not the ways of this world and because of that conflict will arise.  Unfortunately, sometimes the persecution even comes from others within the church.  There are even those who see the amount of persecution they endure to be a mark or measuring stick of their holiness.  This lends itself to an attitude that focuses on self rather than the Lord.  Those people not only welcome persecution but sometimes even are the instigators.  Have you ever heard of being your own worse enemy??

Here is my pondering thought for you today.

There is true persecution and suffering but………

Consider this, sometimes it isn’t persecution you are suffering but the result of strife you may be sowing. It takes a very humble heart to be open to the Spirit, to recognize this, repent, and realign our focus on the Lord.  He is our standard and not our perceived level of persecution.

Your thoughts?

I do not have a close relationship with my father.  I never have.  My parents divorced when I was only a year old.  I can probably count on one hand how many visits with my father I remember in my lifetime.  Each of those visits was so very special to me.  I longed for my father.  I often had visiting times with my grandmother.  Those were some of the dearest times to me in my childhood.  My step-mother would come and see me with my brother almost every time I came to visit my grandmother.  My father, however, was rarely there.  I am not going to get into the whole sticky mess of why that was.  The point here is that I really knew my step-mother more than my father.  She always made a point to tell me that my father loved me and that she was so glad to see me.  The fact that I was not even her daughter but she treated me as if I was meant a lot me.  She loved me and I loved her.

The summer before last we made our first visit to my father’s house.  My grandmother had died a few months before and I was very grieved to have not seen her before her passing, it had been almost 11 years since seeing her.   The visit was an important one to make.  Having gone so long without seeing my grandmother and then having her die gave me a more accurate assessment of how much time had passed since I had been back to that neck of the woods.  My husband and children had never even met my father.  I had not seen him since I was sixteen.  So we went for a visit.  It was a strange visit as you can imagine.  I am so glad that we went though.

This past week was a hard one.  Not only was my entire family down with the flu but I received a letter I had not desired to receive.  It was a package from my father.  In the big envelope was another envelope along with a letter.  I had recently sent new photos of the children and he now had my new address.  I had just assumed that if they sent anything to me, which I did not anticipate , it would be forwarded to our new address.  One thing the letter said was that he was sorry about just sending the envelope but he couldn’t bring himself to open it again.  This left me looking at the envelope dreading having to open it and see what was inside.  In fact, I think I already knew.

I looked at the envelope to see why I never received it.  The post office did indeed forward the envelope.  There was the forwarding address sticker right on the front.  However, they forwarded it to some address that was not mine.  Apparently, whoever received it sent it back.

I opened the envelope that had been originally sent months and months ago.  As I pulled the contents out of the package and saw the face of my step-mother I began to shake and cry.  It was a funeral announcement and a clipping from the newspaper with her obituary on it.  It was what I had dreaded and thought it would be.  I do not even know how she died.  It doesn’t really matter.  I looked at the dates.  She had died at the end of May.  I found out almost 6 months later due to a mistake at the post office.

After a day or two I began to realize that even though the mistake at the post office and the fact that my father did not have my phone number delaying the news was causing great grief I began to see the grace of God in the whole situation.  I looked at the dates and came to the realization that she died only about a week before my other grandmother had died.  I would have had to deal with fresh grief of both of their deaths at the same time.  I was spared that task.  Even though I wish that I had known earlier I am thankful that the Lord allowed me time in between to rest and heal and the time to grieve for each of them separately.

Even when we do not understand, even if we do not see at first, even in the midst of bad circumstances, God is gracious and not always in the ways we expect.  For that, I am thankful.  I am thankful for my step-mother, that God brought her into my life, and that even though there is the pain of delay, I am thankful to be able to grieve for her.  I am thankful I did not have to grieve for her at the same time I was grieving for my grandmother.  The pain would have been too great.  God is my comfort and my strength, He grants grace in times of grief.

May the Lord continue to open the eyes of those who promote death.  Abby Johnson, former Planned Parenthood director who now protests against the horrific procedure of abortion.  This is an interview with Mike Huckabee.  May the lives of these unborn children be saved!

It saddens me to hear of others being beaten down when they are grieving.  Sometimes people seem to think that when you are a Christian and have the hope of Christ that one should not grieve at a loss or that they should do it more graciously.   I have lost many that I love.  Most in my family were not Christians.  I have also known several people who have died who did know the Lord.   There is grieving either way but there is a difference.  If you have ever experienced both, as I have, you know the difference.  The difference is not in whether you grieve but in how you grieve. If grieving  for a Christian there is still a loss in the death but with a future comfort.  If grieving for a non Christian there is not only the the loss of the life but of the eternal death without hope.

Often times when there is someone who has been such a bright ray of light for Christ in your life and then they go through a tragedy we expect them to breeze through things joyously.  We may not admit to that but we often do not know how to handle the depth of their pain.  It is uncomfortable and we often want them to appear stronger in order for our faith to be strengthened and to avoid the pain ourselves.

Though Christians have an everlasting hope with great peace and comfort that does not mean that we do not experience loss, pain, anger, or question.  It is possible to do all of those things and still rest in God.

We must not forget that people grieve differently, that grieving is important, and to not dismiss one’s emotions.  Unless we are in their place we cannot feel what they feel.  Often our minds and hearts know and trust the Lord yet our emotions do not always fall in line.  This is a battle and one which must be faced.  Let them fight with their emotions and cry out to God.  Let them question and seek answers from the Lord.  Let them cry, mourn, and grieve.  It does not mean that they are no longer trusting the Lord, it does not mean that they have forgotten their hope, it is uncomfortable but it is also what draws them closer to the one who can truly bring comfort.  Do not hinder that by requesting or even at times demanding that they “be strong” and “take heart”.  God is big enough to allow them to grieve and to carry them through.  We must allow them to grieve and to let the Lord work.

Romans 12:15

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

It seems easy to rejoice with those who rejoice. The test comes when we are called upon to weep with those who weep. It is a more difficult task, one which costs us more, and one in which we are called!

It is almost hard to believe but my dear grandmother passed away earlier today.  I had considered flying back home yesterday when I heard she had taken a turn for the worse but I would not have even made it in time.  She was always so loving and caring.  I lived with her at different times throughout my life and never once doubted her love for me.  She will always hold a dear place in my heart!  I miss her already.  My heart has been heavy in prayer for her these last couple of weeks and I pray that her heart was redeemed but I do not have that assurance.  I am thankful that it is the Lord who judges the heart and it is not dependent upon my own personal assurance.

This amoung other things in the family have made this an extremely difficult few days for me and I simply ask that you keep me and my extended family in your prayers.

Last year was a very hard year for me in many respects.  One of those wounds is becoming fresher by the day.  Last year one of my grandmothers passed away.  I did not know until afterwards.  I have dealt with the anger of not receiving a call until afterwards, wishing I could have seen her before she passed rather than it having been 10 years earlier.  I did go to visit the remaining family about  4 months later and picked up a few things that were passed on to me.  During the course of that trip I stopped to visit other family including another grandmother.  I am so thankful for that visit!  This other grandmother has cancer.  It was a very brief visit and it was difficult to actually “visit” as there was so much family around.  But I was able to hug her and tell her that I loved her.

I received word this week that the cancer has grown and she only has about 3-6 weeks left.  I sat down yesterday to writer her a card and just broke down in tears of grief.  I am almost wondering which is better….living with the regret and longing of having missed seeing my grandmother before her death (like the one grandmother) OR (actually having to say goodbye (like the other grandmother).  Then I find myself wondering if the easier is really the better or not.  Maybe dealing with grief one way makes the other way seem easier simply because it has passed and is not as fresh.  I do not know.  All I know is that my heart is aching once again and I am once again typing a blog post in tears.

Please pray for my family.  I am thankful that the Lord is the one who weighs the heart.  I am praying that my grandmother will be among the redeemed.  I do not have that confidence so please pray for her.  Pray for comfort in the weeks ahead.  Thank you all!