Backward Parenting

Have you ever noticed that there are parents who excuse away all kinds of sinfulness in their children.  Especially in their young children.  They either think it is cute or say things like, “Boys will be boys.”   It is often easier to let things go or just ignore them when the children are little.  To be honest, sometimes we feel we are just too tired to deal with it.  Even the excuse of exhaustion is not acceptable.

There is a trend today where parents let the little ones get away with way too much and when they turn into unruly teens then tighten the screws and begin to really crack down.  After all, they need it!  The fact is that they needed it when they were young.

We do not have perfect children by any means but we do have pretty well behaved children.  At least most of the time.  We are often approached when we are out in public.  We have had our meals paid for because the families said they were blessed to see a large family walk in and be pleasantly surprised that their meal was not ruined by unruly children.  One time I will never forget was in a Chinese restaurant in Montana somewhere.  An older man approached my husband and complimented him on their behavior.  He then went on to say that his grandchildren were out of control.  They were in their teens and listened to no authority at all and wanted to know our secret.  Here is a man much older than us asking my hubby for parenting advice for his grandchildren.  My husband, as gently as he could said, “Start when they are young.  Discipline them when they are young.”  The man sighed and shook his head knowingly and said, “Yep, your right, your right.”  He then thanked us for reminding him that there are good families out there.  It broke my heart.

It breaks my heart each and every time I hear of people who cannot stand their children or grandchildren.  It often makes me wonder about the parents when I see children so out of control.  Now I do realize that even children with parents who take action when they are young still end up with unruly children.  All children must be held responsible for their own actions.  But we as parents must also do all that we can to train them well.

We must not excuse away a child’s behavior.  There may be a reason for a child acting in a particular way but that does not justify wrong and sinful actions.   If a child is trained well when they are young, holding them accountable, teaching them, sticking to our guns when it is hard, following through even when we are weary, covering them in prayer, love, encouragement  amidst the discipline,  and when needed admitting when we were wrong,  they will grow to be self-controlled and gain wisdom for making right decisions.  We must ingrain in them acceptable behavior when they are young if we expect them to hold on to it when they grow older. Today’s trend of tightening the parenting hold when children get older is actually backwards of what it should be. We should parent them well and consistently when they are young so that when they begin to grow into adulthood we can loosen the reigns rather than tightening them.  We should not have adolescence be just another stage of childhood but we should see it as their introduction to adulthood (with the privileges comes the responsibility also).  Expectations for them should rise not fall.  This does not mean that we totally let go when they are older.  They still need guidance and boundaries.  We should however be to a point where they respect those boundaries, seek the guidance, and can be trusted(not just wishful thinking) to make wise decisions.

It is a lot of work to parent consistently when children are little for what we may deem small infractions but those small infractions if allowed, accepted, and excused will grow with that child and it will be much more difficult to parent when grown.  Do not forget to address the heart and motivation behind the wrong doing as well.  Parenting must deal with the root and not just the action to truly be effective.

Let me encourage you to not loose heart, do not grow weary, continue on.  You, your children, and all those they come in contact with will be blessed by your diligent and faithful work as a parent.  Teach them while they are young and be blessed by them more and more as they grow!

Raising Them All The Same

Parenting is always a learning process.  We learn what works and what doesn’t work.  We learn that certain things work better for a certain child than with others.  We learn where we have taken up parenting skills from others, some good and some not so good.  If we are willing to be really honest with ourselves then we learn even more.  We see where we have made mistakes and correct them.  We learn to be careful not to discipline one child more because their actions remind us of our own.  We learn to change and discipline ourselves as well.  I have a dear friend who says that she thinks children are God’s sanctifying work in our lives.  This is very, very true.

I have often heard many parents say that they have raised all of their children the same way.  When one goes astray or takes a path the parent doesn’t like then the parents are baffled claiming they raised them just like the rest.  The fault lies with the child alone.  NOW, it is very true that children do need to be held responsible for their own actions but that does not mean that the parents are not contributors in some form or another.

It seems to me that to raise all of your children the same way has a whiff of arrogance to it.  One must be a perfect parent to think that their way of parenting their first child was the perfect way to continue to do the same with all of them.  Personally, I am glad that I have learned along the way.  I have adjusted my parenting as the years have passed and new children have come into the home.   The Lord has taught me ALOT!  I am thankful that I am willing to be taught and not so secure in my parenting to have closed the door to instruction in that area!

The Lord has taught me much.  He has revealed my many errors.  He has revealed the wrong motivation in many of those errors.  He has revealed to me my sins.  He has grown me not only as a parent but as a person, as a Christian, a teacher, a guide, and much more.  I pray on a regular basis that his grace would cover those errors.

I would never say I have raised all my children the same.  My parenting has changed in so many ways over the years.  I would never even want to say that we have raised them all the same.  That would mean my heart was arrogant, self-absorbed, closed, and unwilling to grow and receive correction.  I am not the perfect parent but I know the perfect parent.  If I am willing to be led, taught, and corrected by the Lord then he will lend his wisdom, his grace, and his strength on this journey of parenthood.  After all, if I am attempting to raise these children for his glory I should probably listen to his direction!

Do Not Be Discouraged

If you have been following as I have blogged through this booklet; Bringing the Gospel to Covenant Children: In Dependency on the Spirit by Joel R. Beeke and are feeling as if you have failed.  Do not be discouraged, it is not too late to start.  You can always repent and begin a new.  Evangelism is a lifelong endeavor.  Whether it is your own children, your grandchildren, or those in the neighborhood or at church, you can share the gospel of Christ and what it means to live as a child of God.

If you have gleaned from the last week or so of blogging through Beeke’s booklet, I would encourage you to spend the $2 and order your own copy.  There is so much more!  Just follow the link above.

I will close this the same way Beeke closes his booklet.  It is with a great prayer from a seventeenth-century Puritan.

O God, I cannot endure to see the destruction of my kindred.  Let those that are united to me in tender ties be precious in thy sight and devoted to thy glory.  Sanctify and prosper my domestic devotion, instruction, discipline, example, that my house may be a nursery for heaven, my church the garden of the Lord, enriched with the trees of righteousness of thy planting, for thy glory.  Let not those of my family who are amiable, moral, attractive, fall short of heaven at last.  Grant that the promising appearances of tender conscience, soft heart, the alarms and delights of thy Word, be not finally blotted out, but bring forth judgment unto victory in all whom I love.

Always Remember

The triune God’s sovereign, electing grace is always the primary cause of our children’s conversion, which God is pleased to work out through the secondary causes of the means of grace.  The same Holy Spirit, who convicts us of our sin and leads us to Christ and into the pathways of holiness, is also faithful to comfort us, teach us, and lead us in evangelizing our children, making it fruitful.

Depending on the Holy Spirit will help us become more sensitive to the spiritual needs of our children and our impossibilities.  He will provide us with greater wisdom and patience than if we try to convert our children in our own strength.

Excerpt from the booklet Bringing the Gospel to Covenant Children: In Dependency on the Spirit by Joel R. Beeke.

Godly Conversations and Models

Today, I will touch on the last two means of evangelizing our children mentioned in the booklet Bringing the Gospel to Covenant Children: In Dependency on the Spirit by Joel R. Beeke.

• Godly Conversation

Scripture teaches that we must take time each day to speak to our covenant children about God.  Serious, spiritual conversation should be done in regular times of family worship and teaching, but also spontaneously through the process of everyday life.

Deuteronomy 6:6-7 And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

The Hebrew word for instruction in Deuteronomy 6:7 says that we are to “sharpen” or “impress” upon our children the teachings of God’s Word. The idea is that we are to mark, brand, penetrate, and disciple our children in God’s ways. That is our daily calling. Remember, it takes time and diligence to make a lasting impression (Isaiah 28:9-10).

• Godly Models

If we would have godly children, they must see God’s character in our lives.  Though they may learn much from what we say and do, they will learn most from who we are.  Our praying, teaching, and living must be one; we must be and practice what we pray.  “God cannot resist a parent’s prayer when it is sufficiently backed up with a parent’s sanctification,” wrote Alexander Whyte.

We must not fail to act as our children’s spiritual mentors.

There is so much more on the subject of modeling to our children in the booklet. Too much good stuff to share it all. If you hadn’t figured it out by now, I highly recommend purchasing the booklet so you can reap more from its pages!  Follow the link above to get your own copy.

Remember, if this is an area in which you struggle, as I am sure it is for all of us, take it to the Lord, he will equip you.

The Importance of Catechizing

Today’s focus is on catechizing.  I have met many who dislike the idea of using catechism to teach and train their children but it is a very effective way of teaching and training our children and even ourselves in the doctrines and truths of the Lord.  Catechism is not meant to be a substitute for the word of God by any means.  All catechism questions and answers are drawn from the scripture and point to the scriptures.  Anyone who uses them correctly would never seek to replace the word of God.  That being said let’s move on!

I will continue to reference the booklet Bringing the Gospel to Covenant Children: In Dependency on the Spirit by Joel R. Beeke.

In his booklet, Beeke takes the time to explain exactly what catechizing is and how and where it is mentioned in the New Testament.  He then goes on to say the following:

Parental catechizing is almost a lost art today, to the great loss of families and churches.  John J. Murray writes, “We believe it is the discontinuance of this practice [of catechizing] that we can trace much of the doctrinal ignorance, confusion, and instability so characteristic of modern Christianity.”

Some have said that using a catechism is focusing too much on the teachings of men rather than Christ. I would like to challenge that! That is so far from the truth. Beeke puts it this way.

Their goals were to explain the fundamental teachings of the Bible, to help young people commit the Bible to memory, to make sermons and the sacraments more understandable, to prepare covenant children for confession of faith, to teach them how to defend their faith against error, and to help parents teach their own children.

Who would not want to use such a tool? Especially one that has shown itself effective over the centuries?  Of course, it is a lot of work.  Anything worth value usually is a lot of work.

Puritan evangelism, carried on by preaching, pastoral admonition, and catechizing, took time and skill.  The Puritans were not looking for quick and easy conversions;  they were committed to building up lifelong believers whose hearts, minds, wills, and affections were won to the service of Christ.

Beeke also references a man named Baxter who was installed at Kidderminster at Worcestershire.  He tells of how it was rare for families in his area to honor God in family worship but by the end of his ministry there were streets where every family did so.  Beeke goes on to say…

He could say that of the six hundred converts that were brought to faith under his preaching he could not name one that had backslidden to the ways of the world.  How vastly different was that result compared to the results of today’s evangelists who press for mass conversions, then turn over the hard work of follow-up to others.

There are many resources for catechizing your children and ones that are easy to use. It is definitely a tool that God has used and blessed throughout many years. Let me end with one last quote from the book.

May God help us today to view the evangelizing of our covenant children as a task that involves both bringing the gospel to them and so presenting Christ and the doctrines of grace that believing children may grow in Him. We need to recover the vision of our forebears in our catechizing, such that we view evangelism as entailing both how to come to Christ and how to live out of Christ.