MamaArcher's Blog

Backward Parenting

Have you ever noticed that there are parents who excuse away all kinds of sinfulness in their children.  Especially in their young children.  They either think it is cute or say things like, “Boys will be boys.”   It is often easier to let things go or just ignore them when the children are little.  To be honest, sometimes we feel we are just too tired to deal with it.  Even the excuse of exhaustion is not acceptable.

There is a trend today where parents let the little ones get away with way too much and when they turn into unruly teens then tighten the screws and begin to really crack down.  After all, they need it!  The fact is that they needed it when they were young.

We do not have perfect children by any means but we do have pretty well behaved children.  At least most of the time.  We are often approached when we are out in public.  We have had our meals paid for because the families said they were blessed to see a large family walk in and be pleasantly surprised that their meal was not ruined by unruly children.  One time I will never forget was in a Chinese restaurant in Montana somewhere.  An older man approached my husband and complimented him on their behavior.  He then went on to say that his grandchildren were out of control.  They were in their teens and listened to no authority at all and wanted to know our secret.  Here is a man much older than us asking my hubby for parenting advice for his grandchildren.  My husband, as gently as he could said, “Start when they are young.  Discipline them when they are young.”  The man sighed and shook his head knowingly and said, “Yep, your right, your right.”  He then thanked us for reminding him that there are good families out there.  It broke my heart.

It breaks my heart each and every time I hear of people who cannot stand their children or grandchildren.  It often makes me wonder about the parents when I see children so out of control.  Now I do realize that even children with parents who take action when they are young still end up with unruly children.  All children must be held responsible for their own actions.  But we as parents must also do all that we can to train them well.

We must not excuse away a child’s behavior.  There may be a reason for a child acting in a particular way but that does not justify wrong and sinful actions.   If a child is trained well when they are young, holding them accountable, teaching them, sticking to our guns when it is hard, following through even when we are weary, covering them in prayer, love, encouragement  amidst the discipline,  and when needed admitting when we were wrong,  they will grow to be self-controlled and gain wisdom for making right decisions.  We must ingrain in them acceptable behavior when they are young if we expect them to hold on to it when they grow older. Today’s trend of tightening the parenting hold when children get older is actually backwards of what it should be. We should parent them well and consistently when they are young so that when they begin to grow into adulthood we can loosen the reigns rather than tightening them.  We should not have adolescence be just another stage of childhood but we should see it as their introduction to adulthood (with the privileges comes the responsibility also).  Expectations for them should rise not fall.  This does not mean that we totally let go when they are older.  They still need guidance and boundaries.  We should however be to a point where they respect those boundaries, seek the guidance, and can be trusted(not just wishful thinking) to make wise decisions.

It is a lot of work to parent consistently when children are little for what we may deem small infractions but those small infractions if allowed, accepted, and excused will grow with that child and it will be much more difficult to parent when grown.  Do not forget to address the heart and motivation behind the wrong doing as well.  Parenting must deal with the root and not just the action to truly be effective.

Let me encourage you to not loose heart, do not grow weary, continue on.  You, your children, and all those they come in contact with will be blessed by your diligent and faithful work as a parent.  Teach them while they are young and be blessed by them more and more as they grow!